The rules of romance
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In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects-- Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties ------------- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car................... +1 You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1 You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb... +1 You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away.................................. -1 You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................ +1 You leave dishes in the sink..................................... -1 You leave them under the bed..................................... -5 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.................................................... +5 But return with beer............................................. -5 You leave the toilet seat up..................................... -1 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................ 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...... -1 When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom............................................. -2 You make the bed................................................. +1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1 You check out a suspicious noise at night........................ 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................ 0 check out a suspicious noise and it's something.............. +5 You pummel it with a six iron.................................... +10 It's her father.................................................. -10 Social Engagements ------------------ You stay by her side the entire party............................ 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........................................ -2 Named Tiffany.................................................... -4 Tiffany is a dancer.............................................. -6 Tiffany has implants............................................. -8 When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1 When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump........................................ -5 When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"......................................... +1 When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"....................................................... -6 That woman is her sister......................................... -90 You have one drink, and that's it................................ 0 You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..... -2 You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted... -18 Things Of A Disgusting Nature ----------------------------- You unclog a stopped-up toilet................................... +6 You clean up cat, dog or human vomit............................. +7 You get rid of a dead rodent..................................... +8 remove the collie from the thresher.............................. +12 You take her mother to see Cats.................................. +16 Saturday Afternoon ------------------ You go to the mall together...................................... +3 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.................................................. +4 You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar............................................... -2 You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.. +3 You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. 0 You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............ +3 Most of it chips and beer........................................ -6 You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15 Or refinishing the floors........................................ +16 Or rewiring the basement......................................... +17 Or adding a second floor......................................... +18 Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..... -6 And you're tickled pink about it................................. -15 You visit her parents............................................ +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation............. +3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....... -3 And the television is off........................................ -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear..................................................... -6 And you didn't even go to college................................ -10 And it's not your underwear...................................... -15 Her Birthday ------------ You take her out to dinner........................................ 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1 Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...................... -10 You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3 You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing....................................................... +4 And you stink..................................................... +2 And you're not half bad........................................... +5 You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause............................................... -2 You give her a gift............................................... 0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10 With her credit card.............................................. -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40 Thoughtfulness -------------- You forget her birthday completely................................ -10 You forget your anniversary....................................... -20 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50 A Night Out With The Boys ------------------------- Go out with a pal................................................. -5 And the pal is happily married.................................... -4 Or frighteningly single........................................... -7 And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15 You have a few beers.............................................. -9 And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12 You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30 And not wearing any pants......................................... -40 Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200 Her Night Out ------------- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends..................................................... +5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.......................................................... +10 You wait up...................................................... +15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20 She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom....................... +25 Which you clean up................................................ +35 A Night At Home --------------- You watch TV together............................................. 0 You rent a movie.................................................. +1 You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2 A Night Out ----------- You take her to a movie........................................... +2 You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4 You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)... +6 You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2 It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7 Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs...................................................... -15 Flowers ------- You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10 And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25 Your Physique ------------- You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15 You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10 You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5 Grooming -------- You trim your nails............................................... +5 You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10 You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15 You shave on the weekends......................................... +2 You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4 You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8 But then, neither does she........................................ +8 Finances -------- You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5 Something she can't use........................................... -10 Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20 And your kid needs braces......................................... -30 In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120 Driving ------- You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4 You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.................................................. -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt................. -60 The Big Question ---------------- She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding........................................ -10 You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25 (A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey...") |
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