The redneck test 1/2 |
| Submitted by: | Views: 390 | Category: Rednecks You Might Be A Redneck If . . . - you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s. - you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay. - your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed. - you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose. - you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. - that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans. - your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan. - you go to your family reunions looking for a date. - you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy. - your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. - you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”. - you have an Elvis Jell-O mold. - taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. - you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”. - you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest. - on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. - you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch. - your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill. - your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”. - your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper. - your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’. - you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.” - you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party. - you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom. - you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company. - you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them. - you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow. - you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature. - you break wind in public and blame it on your kid. - you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck. - you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies. - there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block. - you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table. - the strongest smell in your house is butane. - you think paprika is a Third World country. - you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?” - you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program. - you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high. - you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre. - you played the banjo in your high school band. - the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway. - you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs. - you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires. - your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping. - you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley. - you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. - anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container. - you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much. - you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House. - your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner. - you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income. - you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper. - you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. - you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital. - your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.” - your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read. - you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series. - you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. - your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise. - you’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill. - you time your belches to achieve a personal best. - your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. - the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne. - your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name. - there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house. - you have grease under your toenails. - your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull. - the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?” - your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t. - your mother has more chest hair than your father. - you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. - you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor. - your mama saves aluminum foil. - you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. - you clean your house with a water hose. - during the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?” - the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart. - you pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend. - you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon. - you drive across town to see a car wreck. - it’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform. - you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal. - you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos. - you have a personal account of a UFO sighting. - you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour. - you’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping. - you help booby trap your family’s marijuana crop. - you have ever made a frog-gigging spear. - the last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys. - your mother’s only shoes are house slippers. - your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside. |
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