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The redneck test 2/2

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. . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.

. . . you follow the tractor pull circuit.

. . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.

. . . your primary income involves pigs or manure.

. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

. . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.

. . . you were expelled from summer school.

. . . you’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.

. . . you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

. . . your baby’s crib mobile is made out of beer cans.

. . . you’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast.

. . . you have a grave in your yard.

. . . you’ve ever stolen toilet paper.

. . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

. . . your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your grandfather’s.

. . . you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.

. . . you think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage.

. . . your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.

. . . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

. . . you’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts.

. . . you quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start.

. . . your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.

. . . you’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.

. . . you’re a member of the “Chaw of the Month Club.”

. . . your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

. . . you’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.

. . . your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.

. . . you think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.

. . . you must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.

. . . you’ve never seen a film with subtitles.

. . . you own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.

. . . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

. . . you’ve ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.

. . . you won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

. . . your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.

. . . your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.

. . . three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.

. . . when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how to lose them.

. . . your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”

. . . you can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

. . . you’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

. . . getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

. . . you dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

. . . you’ve ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.

. . . your coat of arms features a tire iron.

. . . you own a denim leisure suit.

. . . you use Armor-All on your leather jacket.

. . . your spare tire is a cement block.

. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

. . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.

. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.

. . . you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.

. . . your daddy’s legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower’s autograph on a Stuckey’s napkin.

. . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.

. . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.

. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.

. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

. . . Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

. . . you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.

. . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.

. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.

. . . you participate in a “Who can spit tobacco the farthest?” contest.

. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

. . . you’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.

. . . you’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.

. . . the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.

. . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

. . . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

. . . all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

. . . you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

. . . you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.

. . . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

. . . you refer to your beer gut as “the old tool shed.”

. . . you’ve ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.

. . . your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

. . . you’ve ever vacationed in a rest area.

. . . you always thought “Guns and Roses” was something you get for your anniversary.

. . . you proposed in a Denny’s.

. . . the passengers enter your vehicle through the driver’s-side door.

. . . you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.

. . . you think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.

. . . you save cooking grease in a coffee can.

. . . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler.

. . . there’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.

. . . your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.

. . . you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

. . . you’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.

. . . you’re familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.

. . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.

. . . you think a stock tip is advice on wormin’ your hogs.

. . . you don’t have a home phone.

. . . you think “Ross Perot” is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.

. . . you think “trash TV” is something in your backyard.

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

- stealing road signs is a family outing.

- you think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

- you’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you.

- you have an above ground pool and you fish in it.

- your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.

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