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How to Tell When Foods Go Bad

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ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your
ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt
is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is
spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find
something non-green, bon appétit!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to
discard the Tupperware along with the food.

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
softball should be disposed of very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and
hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your
bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish
to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded
when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will
no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer
be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you
from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts
from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on
your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers
from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw
away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry
foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by
having a calendar in your kitchen.


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